book review: set boundaries, find peace by nedra glover tawwab
07 Dec 2021
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
What are the main ideas?
- everyone needs boundaries.
- “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.”
- “there is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries.”
- there are three levels of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy. porous boundaries are too open, rigid boundaries are too closed, healthy boundaries is what you want.
- the biggest reason people don’t set boundaries is fear of how the other people(s) will respond.
- when people don’t have their own good boundaries, they tend to be more willing (knowingly or unknowingly) to pushback on, resist, or reject the boundaries of others.
- in american society, places where we commonly need boundaries are family, work, romance, friendships, and technology/social media.
- not having healthy boundaries comes with a wide array of costs to ourselves, our work, and our family, friends, and community.
- there are six areas of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time.
- “people don’t have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.”
- there are two main types of boundary violations: “micro boundary violations often occur in everyday encounters,” and don’t usually have significant emotional effects unless they persist over time. some examples of micro boundary violations are: microaggressions, guilt-tripping, and oversharing. macro boundary violations “erode the fabric of our relationships with others.” the macro violations are enmeshment, codependency, trauma bonding, and counterdependency.
- there are four bad styles with which to communicate a boundary: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and manipulation.
- the best way to communicate a boundary is assertiveness.
- when setting boundaries, avoid: apologizing, wavering, and saying too much.
- “childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries.”
- according to claudia black, an addiction specialist and trainer, physical, sexual, and emotional are the three types of boundary violations that occur when trauma is experienced.
- having boundaries with yourself is as (if not more) important as having boundaries with others.
- “…your boundaries are not for people to like; they’re for you to remain healthy in your relationships.”
If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?
identify in myself and around me porous, rigid, and healthy boundaries.
How would I describe the book to a friend?
overall, this is an incredible book that is 100% needed in this moment. the stories, frameworks, tips, and reassurances are sooooo good. this needs to be like a whole series of kids books asap. i love the simplicity and clarity of her points. and the structure of the sections is predictable and makes it just so damn clear how fucked boundaries are for most people. but she’s stands grounded in hope. she makes clear repeatedly that healthy boundaries are possible for everyone; it’ll take work, but it’s possible. my two main critiques are: 1. the systemic analysis is 98% absent. other than a few sentences on racism and LGBTQI+ bias, impacts of power, identity, culture on boundaries is absent. 2. the trauma chapter feels tragically short.
reminder: book review structure
words / writing / post-processing
672w / 25min / 4min