morning pages in the days of covid-1913 Mar 2020
is this tickle in my throat coronavirus or postnasal drip? if it’s coronavirus, am i going to die? probably not. i’m 30 and relatively healthy… right? well, i guess there is one thing… nah, not right now. maybe in a few days. anyway, do i have enough rice? i love rice and i really hope i have enough. i’d love to not leave the house again for a while. actually, that’s not true. i need to go for a run tomorrow. i didn’t go outside at all today. that’s not a good call. vitamin d is important for my physical and mental well-being. i wonder how my mom is doing. i should call her. i should also call my grandma. i should also call my dad and my brother. i can’t believe i haven’t called them yet. does that make me a bad person? does it matter? does anything matter? boom, existential crisis. it’s funny that it can happen just that quickly. [insert shrug emoji]. ok so i’m dying. we’re all dying. what does this moment of confronting death offer that’s different than any other? i really get the sense that so much of people’s energetic responses in this moment are avoidance of this thought: i might die. and, as always, that is literally true of all things at all times. walking outside, eating anything, flying in a plane, riding in a car, going for a run, it all could kill us at any moment. things like covid-19 just bring the potential much closer to the surface than our systemic illusions like. i wonder what my roommate thinks of my coughing. oh, maybe that’s why i haven’t called my mom. i don’t want her to hear my cough. yikes. morning pages are a wild experience and i’m only been five minutes in. part of me is really questioning the idea of publishing my morning pages in this moment. there are SO many pieces being written, so much content being put out. who wants to listen to my unfiltered consciousness? maybe no one. but maybe someone. and even just one person is interested in it, by not putting it out, i am preventing that person from having their interest (need?) met. so here i am. typing away rapidly on this keyboard, listening to my two writing songs, awake and montana, by tycho. i wonder how many people will die? i really appreciated luana saying this morning that we will likely not get out of this with zero deaths. am i ready for that? am i ready for someone(s) close to me to die to covid-19? how do i even know if i’m ready? i guess it doesn’t really matter. i probably should pick up that book that eroc and gibrán and dave jenkins all recommended: the wild edge of sorrow… oop! my 10 minute timer just went off. time to jump back into the flow of the chaos that is the world adjusting to the pandemic that is the coronavirus.
words / writing / post-processing
465w / 10min / 2min