noticing a difference between my fear and my anger

“notice subtle sensation.” — gibrán rivera

gibrán has said that to me in a number of situations and it’s been an increasingly important practice in my life. this past week, focusing on the subtle has offered me some new insights onthe difference between my fear and my anger.

i worked with fear this past fall in a number of ways. i got very familiar with the sensations of my body and the patterns of my mind when i’m afraid (when i have fear) or terrified (when fear has me). one common pattern is heart-racing.

this past week (and the stars support this), i have been working a LOT with anger and rage. going through two breakups earlier this month plus an unreal day this past sunday where one trigger lead to another lead to another and somehow i found myself yelling at someone who i love deeply in the middle of jp at 1130p at night. ffs!

but, as i was reflecting with my friend, malcolm, i noticed a subtle difference between my fear and my anger. with both emotions, my heart tends to race.

with fear, the sensation is that my heart wants to jump out of my body. with anger, it’s as if my heart is burrowing deeper into my chest. the fear heart-racing feels like avoidance energy. it’s that pro-active “fuck, why did i decide to get on this rollercoaster” feeling. the anger heart-racing is seething inner fire energy. it’s the reactive, “i can’t believe you just did that. all i want to do is destroy whatever made that moment of hurt possible” feeling.

veeeeeery interesting!

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