family vacation: an oxymoron
27 Dec 2023preface: this is absolutely not a new thought so i can’t take credit for it, but it does really resonate with me so i wanted to share it.
family vacation as a term is an oxymoron. spending time with family is work. if you need a vacation, that’s a different thing. this is contrary to most of the dominant framing of how we spend time with family.
many people speak (somewhat unconsciously) about family time as being vacation, restful, relaxing, and fun. in reality, often those same have experienced the majority of their trauma within their family context(s) and recognize clearly that being around them is at least triggering (and can even be re-traumatizing or newly traumatizing). and so being around family is an inherently effortful endeavor. whehter the effort is fighting back against toxic dynamics, resisting being triggered, attempting to share wisdom gained on your healing journey, or anthing in between, it’s still effortful aka work.
of course, if one or more folks in the family ecosystem have been doing their own growth and healing work (or folks have been engaging in doing growth/healing with each other), being with family can itself be healing. but even in those cases, it’s still work.
i think something really shifted for me once i heard this framing and deepened it with my own other knowledge about trauma and healing. the biggest change i’ve made in my life based on this insight is to make sure that i create vacation time for myself after doing family time. i no longer visit my family for an entire holiday break. when i go, i make sure to leave myself at least the number of days i visited to have for myself before going back to work or whatever. so if i visit fam for 3 days, i spend at least 3 days not with fam. and the biggest impact has been that means i spend less time with fam but i feel more balanced and well overall.
ok there is so much more i could write about but i’m going to say one more thing and then call it quits for this post.
final thought: i took a break during writing this post and as i’m coming back a day later to finish it up, i’m noticing that it feels cynical and maybe overly negative. this feels like it might be one of those “strong opinions, loosely held” posts. i’m curious how it lands for you. let me know by leaving a comment or sending me an email or text or something.
words / writing / post-processing
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