relationship styles: independent, dependent, interdependent, co-dependent and counter-dependent

some time in 2023, my therapist shared with me the concept of a counter-dependent relationship. i was a little shook that i hadn’t heard or thought about that as a concept. when i said as much, he named that there’s a whole range of relationship styles: independent, dependent, interdependent, co-dependent and counter-dependent. it was really helpful in the session and i looked it up afterwards. i found this blog post and wanted to share these different styles because it’s been a helpful framework through which i think about all sorts of relationships now.

here are michael formica’s 5 relationship styles:

The independent style of relationship is exactly as it sounds. It suggests a superficial investment in interpersonal interaction that is superseded by self-interest. This does not always portend a narcissistic relationship or relationship style, but does suggest a style where true investment is lacking.

The dependent style of relationship is exactly the opposite of the independent style. It suggests a profound overinvestment in interpersonal interaction to the point where the one doing the investing is ostensibly lost to the other. This loss can be so extreme - as with the borderline relationship – that the dependent person “cannot live without” the other person, or at least feels that this is the case.

The co-dependent style of relationship is an unhealthy balance of need and support. While co-dependence is a natural aspect of most relationship, when the demands of one person consume the support of the other, we head in a direction typically associated with addiction and dependence.

The counter-dependent relationship is a sort of reactionary relationship. It is a situation where one partner starts out reacting to the behavior of the other partner and then begins to be so consumed by the behavior of the other that the reacting partner begins behaving in parallel to that other. This is very common when one partner in a relationship has borderline tendencies.

Finally, the interdependent relationship is that which is most healthy. It suggests balance, cooperation and a mutual interplay of need and support that feeds both partners in a way that is generative, not destructive.

honestly, i don’t actually think i need to write more than that in this moment. the biggest revelation is just that there’s an additional style to 4 i knew already (counter-dependent) and having new/better definitions for all of them. i’m sure at some point in the future, i will have have more insights to share (here on the blog or elsewhere) but for now, i’m leaving this here. :)

words / writing / post-processing
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