an important uncle step: with maya for a week
11 Jul 2024a couple of weeks ago i took a big step in my uncling journey: i was caretaker for one of my closest nibblings for a 6 day, 5 night retreat!
just for context, i live downstairs from rachel, eli (the parents and my friends), and maya (my nibbling). since she was born, i see them for an evening hang most weeks and also various other times during the week. the retreat was gibrán rivera’s evolutionary leadership workshop and i went to be caretaker for maya so that rachel and eli could both be full participants in the workshop. we were at watershed retreat center in millerton, ny.
we adults still haven’t totally debriefed but i was chatting with my friend, mikaela, and a few thoughts tumbled through that she encouraged me to share about so here we are! some thoughts/noticings:
maya relaxing
over the course of the days, one thing i noticed was how maya’s body relaxed over time with mine. and honestly, it wasn’t even something that i realized until it had already happened. for example, i noticed that later in the week, when we would sit and read a bedtime story, her body would relax into mine and she would settle in pretty deeply. i hadn’t even noticed that early in the week, that meant she must have been holding herself. it was a subtle difference but very real. i also noticed that she started doing some tiny but comfort-oriented things like taking her left index finger and rubbing one it along the edge of one of my fingernails. i imagine this was somewhat unconscious but felt soothing in some sort of way (i definitely know i do that sort of stuff with myself and with others when i’m wanting some minute type of physical comfort).
i also noticed this relaxing when i put her into the carrier and again, i noticed it in after the shift. the 2nd time i put her in the carrier to go for a hike, i realized that she was resting her head back on my chest. that meant that the first time i’d put her in (both times at her request) she had been holding her head up the whole time.
both of these experiences i am interpreting as her feeling more comfy over time with my her body and my body. the story i am making is that as she felt more and more safe with me, she felt increasingly comfortable to literally lean into my body.
i have more to say about this but for now i’ll just say one quick thought and then move on ‘cause my timer is up!
the quick thought: i hadn’t noticed the not-relaxing until the relaxing happened. but something i * have noticed is how many adults, parents and grandparents included, seem to not noticed when a child they are engaging with is showing clear signs of discomfort and not ease. the other day i saw a grandmother try to kiss her granddaughter goodnight on the neck and the baby winced and moved away both times grandma went in. the third time, the grandma basically tricked the kiddo by pretending to go in one one side and then quickly switched to the other side. :(
like… why?
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ok more later.
words / writing / post-processing
w / 13min / min