9 november 2016

today, i cried twice before sunrise. 

ross says writing helps.
so i write.

manny, nene, anna, and erin inspire.

last night, i put my head in the sand.
kept it there until 7am.

six months ago, i planned to be in montréal for the election.
i knew it could happen. 
some people pretend to not know what america is.
some people actually do not know what america is. 
non-americans know what america is. 
black people know what america is. 
brown people know.
women know. 
trans people know. 
non-binary people know. 
native people know. 

some people do not know. 

i call nse. 
we talk about the sadness and the fear.
and then we talk about work.

“keep building, keep pushing, love on each other.”

i check facebook incessantly. 
i start a running file of everyone’s statuses.
watching the waves.

i avoid twitter. 
it gets in anyways. 

jason tells me a group of kkk members was spotted this morning on a bridge in north carolina. 

this is america. in 2016. the fucking kkk. 

i heard from chuck that people i know and love (loved? love.) voted trump.
attempted to convince others to vote trump. to vote hate. 
i left florida for this. 

now i sit outside america. 

do i go back? 
i must.
musn’t i?

i can’t go on.
i must go on. 

soup poop.
just now. 
i wrote a 30 word email.
in 30 minutes.

the sun shines. 
but i don’t understand. 


abe says trump is the final boss. 

the empire is falling.
it does not look like i thought it would. 

my stomach hurts.
my fingers twitch. 

i oscillate between anger, sadness, fear…
and excitement. 

maybe we have to do this now. 

the civil rights moved us down the field.
but we’re not done yet. 

this is america. 

i meet ambroise’s brother for coffee.
we hope. laugh. dream. 

we can still learn.
even through this.

i am reminded that we have always rejected our parents’ systems. 
they believed the government would fix things.
they made it strong. er.
we disbelieve. 
so now we must work.

“forward ever, backward never.”


barack obama. 
donald trump.
same system. 


the “great” american experiment. 

he lost the popular vote.
electoral college pulls him through.

it’s all stolen.
fairy dust. 

and yet…
there are no demons. they are not demons.

hate will not solve this.
the fear that put him in office is real.
from where did it come? 


texts roll in:
i love you.
i love you, too.
we should’ve gotten married when we could.
we should still get married.
i need a hug. 
don’t come back.
come back.

what is the future now?
everything i wished for is thrown off course.
my dreams, my work, my energy, my time. 
what will it look like?
who knows. 

what now? 

who knows.  

will i regret writing this? no. 
will i regret making it public? maybe.

who knows.

soundtrack: laura mvula. 

i have cried 4x today. it’s not even 1pm.