i am still in mourning.

it’s slowed down a lot, but when i think about the work i was going to do over the next 3-5 years i still cry. i am in mourning for the future that i might have had. i believe and know that there is still plenty of good work to do; it’s just different work than what i thought i’d be doing.

the best analogy i can think of is trying to mow the lawn when a hurricane hits. before the hurricane, i had a plan that i was moving forward with. now that i know a hurricane is coming, it doesn’t make much sense to keep mowing the lawn. i need to shift my energy towards preparing for the hurricane: shutters need to go up, supplies need to be gathered, the backup generator needs to be tested, etc. like all hurricanes, it’s possible that it’ll be fucking nuts and destroy many things and it’s also possible that it won’t be that bad. but either way, pretending like a hurricane isn’t coming doesn’t make sense to me. and mowing the grass now feels of very little importance.

trump has basically stated that he wants to roll back the entire obama presidency. so now instead of advocating and fighting for people to have more rights, the work will be to help people keep the rights they already (barely) have. instead of thinking forward about renewable energy and health care and transportation, we’ll be fighting to keep things from rolling backwards.

i could go on, but the point is this: i am in mourning for the work and the vision of the country and world that we were on the way to.

last night, my friend dara mentioned the practice of shiva, which is the jewish practice of gathering in one place following the death and burial of someone for seven days of mourning and receiving guests.

i think i’m sitting shiva.